The Power of Love

In a previous post I spoke of John's assertion in 1 John 4:18 that "perfect love casteth out fear."  I used to believe that this meant that love and fear could not coexist - that love somehow eradicated all fear.  What I am coming to understand, and what I have tried to convey in my posts about fear, is that love does not eliminate fear, but rather overpowers it.  This was true in the case of Esther, whose love for her people outweighed the fear that she felt as she went before the king.  This was true for me when I zip lined from a 50' tower into the dark unknown because I refused to let my fear diminish the experience of the young women I was leading.

This understanding came in handy recently as I was encouraging my 10 year old daughter to ice skate.  The first time I took her ice skating, on New Year’s Eve of 2011, I had to bribe her to get her to even step out onto the ice.  I enlisted the help of family members, who are good skaters, to skate with her, and promised her that if she went around the rink just one time, I would buy her some Dippin’ Dots. 

What I have failed to mention, though, is that the reason I had to enlist the help of family members is because I too was terrified to get on the ice.  In fact, I can’t remember a time in my adult life when I have gone onto the ice without clinging for dear life to the wall.  Until recently, I always used the excuse that the skates were killing my feet (which was true) and went and sat on the sidelines and observed.  I must admit that I felt like a hypocrite as I coaxed my daughter onto the ice when I was too scared to do it myself.

A couple of months ago my daughter decided that she wanted to take ice skating lessons.  I signed her up for a 3-week session, willing to let her try, but believing her interest would be short lived.  At her first lesson she was terrified, as I expected, and wouldn’t leave the safety of the wall. 

As I dropped her off at school the day of her 2^nd lesson, I said, “Okay, Becca, you have your ice skating lesson this afternoon.  I want you to work on building up your courage today so that when you get there you can get away from the wall.”  And much to my surprise, it worked!  At her lesson that day, she moved away from the wall and for 30 minutes hesitantly scooted her skates along the ice.  I was impressed!

She was so excited and could hardly wait to show her dad what she had accomplished.  We decided that we would go to an open skate session the following Saturday so that she could show off her skills.  But when we got there, the fear returned, and she stood on the ice immobilized and nearly in tears.  Even making her way back to the safety of the wall was more than she could bear.

 

Suddenly I knew what I had to do.  I could no longer sport my ice skates in the spectators seats.  I carefully, fearfully made my way onto the ice and said, “Becca I know you’re scared.  Trust me.  I am scared of ice skating too.  But I know we can do it.  We just have to be brave.  Next thing I knew, Becca and I were both scooting around the rink on our skates, equally determined to not let fear keep us from doing something we wanted to do.

We have been ice skating several times since then, and our ice scooting is starting to more and more resemble ice skating.  My son, Isak, who typically is not easy to impress, encourages us and praises us for our improvement.  He will skate up behind me and say, “Wow, mom!  You’re getting really good!” as more proficient skaters gracefully swoop by.

Ice skating has become a universally enjoyed family activity.  And while I am far from performing spins and leaps, and I still experience mini heart attacks when I feel my footing start to slip, I find that I grow increasingly confident on the ice.  As I reveled in my new found grace on the ice one day, I thought, “Wow!  I wonder why I was suddenly able to overcome a fear that I have had for so long?”  And then I realized, it was because of my love for my daughter.  I didn’t want her to be crippled by fear, and so to offer her the support and guidance she needed, I chose to "cast out" my own fear.

 

If you have a fear that is keeping you from being your best self and from being a blessing in the lives of others, I want you to know that you can overcome that fear.  And by overcome I do not mean that you will suddenly not feel the fear anymore, but that you can act in spite of it.  Whether your motivation is love for God, love for another person or persons, or love for yourself, that love absolutely can overpower any fear that you have - not eliminate it, but overpower it. 

 

I would like to extend a challenge.  The next time that you recognize that fear is keeping you from being your best self or doing something that could benefit another person, face that fear and do it anyway.  If you accept this challenge, I would love to hear about your experiences.  What is your fear?  Were you able to overcome it or are you still struggling with it?  If you have overcome it, how do you feel? I reiterate, overcoming fear does not necessarily mean that you no longer feel fear, but that you can act in spite of it!

Painters of People

Last week as my husband and I were preparing to do some painting in our house, I was thinking about how much I was dreading the job.  I’ve always disliked painting. The actual painting isn’t so bad.  If I could walk into a room and just start slapping paint on the wall, it would be fine.  It’s all of the detailed prep and finishing work that makes painting a long, drawn out process that inevitably takes longer than you plan for.

A few months ago a friend of mine moved into a new house and was removing wallpaper from the walls.  I volunteered to help her and found the job to be quite enjoyable.  Last week, as I sat, dreading our painting project, I thought back to the day that I helped my friend remove wallpaper.  I wondered why that job was so much more enjoyable.

I decided that removing wallpaper was fun because it didn’t require any real effort on my part.  There was no real process to follow or painstaking preparations to be made.  I would run the steamer over the wallpaper and then look for a place to start pulling.  I got so much satisfaction from finding where the paper was already peeling up a little, and then pulling a large piece from the wall.

I remember what my friend’s house looked like when I left that day.  Sticky sheets of wallpaper were strewn about on the floor, the wall was ugly with large areas of wallpaper removed but with a few straggling pieces that were difficult to remove.  There were some places on the wall where the wallpaper was so strongly adhered that we had actually pulled away part of the drywall as we removed the paper.  It wasn’t pretty.

Of course, my contribution to the project was only a small part.  After I and others participated in the deconstruction of my friends’ dining room walls, she had to go to work to do all of that painstaking prep and finishing work that I so detest.  The first time I visited her house after the room was finished I was truly amazed at the transformation.  She had managed to transform a room that was once ugly, somewhat damaged and in complete disarray – a playground of sorts for wallpaper ripping maniacs like myself – into a lovely, warm and inviting dining room.

I realized as I thought about this, that it is easy to tear things apart.  There is even often a great sense of satisfaction in finding a weakness in something and then using it to even more effectively destroy it.  However, that sense of satisfaction is short lived as you realize that what is left is something that is damaged or even destroyed.

Making something better is more difficult.  It takes thought, preparation and attention to detail.  In the case of our room, before we even started painting we made sure that the surfaces we were covering were smooth, we gathered supplies, we cleared unnecessary items from the room and we carefully masked the parts of the room that were still intact so that we didn’t inadvertently ruin them in the process of painting.  As we painted we were careful to avoid dripping or accidentally getting paint where we didn’t want it.  When we finished, we made sure that the paint had covered the wall adequately and painted additional coats as needed.  When the painting was finished, we had to add all of the finishing touches – the lighting fixture and outlet covers had to be reinstalled, new baseboards cut and nailed into place, etc.  Like many home improvement projects, this one required multiple unplanned trips to the store and more time than we had anticipated.  When we finished we were exhausted and happy to be done.  But the result of all of our effort was beautiful.  It was one of those times when I just kept wanting to stand back and look at what we had accomplished.

The next day we went by the house to see the room again (this is a home that is currently being rented by my brother and sister-in-law).  My sister-in-law had done even more work, cleaning and furnishing the room.  It turned out beautifully and it was rewarding to see the fruits of our labor.

So, you may be asking, what does this have to do with living an outward focused life?  Well, as I see it, we have the ability to tear people down or to build them up.  Just as with rooms or things, tearing people down is easy.  It takes little effort and often brings us a sense of satisfaction.  When we are finished, we might leave them hurt, diminished, possibly even damaged.  It often takes a great deal of effort to heal those who have been torn down by others.

On the other hand, building others up is difficult.  It requires effort and thought.  It is sometimes inconvenient and requires more time and effort than we plan to give.  But when we build others, we leave them even better than we found them and have an increased sense of appreciation for them.

Many times when we tear people down by gossiping about them, they may not even know that we have done it.  Do our words diminish them even if they aren’t there to hear it?  Of course!  As we speak negatively of others, we are nurturing a seed of unkindness within us – they are diminished in our hearts and in the eyes of those to whom we are speaking. 

Why do we sometimes choose to tear one another down instead of building one another up?  One of the reasons is that, as I mentioned before, it is easy.  It is easy to see where someone’s wallpaper is peeling a bit and just start tearing at it.  And often, when we start tearing, we feel a sense of satisfaction.  I’ve thought a great deal about why we often feel a sense of satisfaction when we are “peeling away at someone else’s wallpaper”.  My conclusion is that it all comes down to selfishness.  It gives us a way to connect with others who are also happy to tear at that person’s wallpaper, thus giving us a sense of inclusion and acceptance.  It validates our sense of propriety by sharing with someone our indignation at so and so’s obvious goof up.  It allows us to put ourselves in the lofty position of being better than them.

Ouch.

When I look at it that way, I am ashamed of all the times I have said unkind things to or about another person. 

Living an outward focused life requires more of us.  To love, uplift and build others, we must be willing to prepare, protect, work, and pay attention to detail.

We prepare in a couple of ways.  First, we prepare ourselves to be “painters of people” by seeking the Holy Spirit in our lives.  In the Apostle Paul’s epistle to the Galatians, he taught, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance.” (Galatians 5:22-23)  If we are filled with the Spirit, we will not be inclined to tear others apart.  Rather we will be filled with love for them.

We also prepare to be “painters” by seeking to understand others.  As we take the time to know and understand others, looking for the good in them, we grow more tolerant because we gain an understanding of why they make the choices they do.  We grow to love them in spite of their peeling wallpaper and desire, instead of ripping at it, to smooth in down and make it better.

When we are filled with the love that comes from the Spirit and take a true interest in others, we protect the good in them by helping them see it in themselves and perfect it.  We work to help them overcome weaknesses and strengthen them.  We often give more of ourselves than we anticipated, but we do so because we recognize that we are about the business of creating a better individual - an individual who is already of great worth, but who just needs some tweaking to reach their potential.

Please don’t interpret my thoughts here to mean that we must make a huge investment in everyone we meet.  Often it is the simple ways that we show love that make the biggest impact on those around us.  What is important is that our interactions with others reflect love, selflessness and a willingness to serve them.  If we live our lives in that way, we will know when we come across a person who is going to require a little more effort from us.

Some may argue that often some “tearing away of wallpaper” is necessary to making a real improvement in a person.  In the case of my friend’s dining room, this was absolutely true, and in the lives of some people this also true.  But again I stress the importance of love, selflessness and a willingness to serve.  If we are motivated by love for an individual, we will strive to strip away what must be stripped away, protecting what is good within them, and replace what we have removed with something of beauty.

As we smooth the peeling wallpaper of those around us, or help them strip it away, if needed, and replace it with something better and as we carefully paint over those areas that need improvement, we will find ourselves living in a more beautiful world and experience the peace and joy that comes from knowing that we, the painters of people, labored to make it what it is.

"Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear"

Like Esther, we all feel fear. But also like Esther, we have the ability to choose whether to give in to that fear or to cast it out. Today I would like to tell you about a time when I felt extreme fear, but was able to cast it out because of the love that I felt from and for a group of young women from my church.

Each year the young women (ages 12-18) of my church attend a camp. The first four years that the girls go to camp they become certified as campers – learning to build a campfire, cook outdoors, hike, etc. The purpose of camp is to teach the young women to be self-reliant, develop an appreciation for God’s creations, learn teamwork and leadership skills and strengthen their faith in God. Once the girls have completed the first four years of certification, they are invited back to camp to be youth leaders.

The fourth year of camp is a milestone. It is a coming of age of sorts –the year when they begin the transition from being campers to being leaders. For this reason, the fourth year of camp is designed to be more challenging. I had the opportunity two years ago to be the adult leader responsible for the fourth year campers. The challenge for every fourth year leader is to provide experiences for the girls in her group that will push them out of their comfort zone, for it is in pushing them beyond what they think they are capable of doing that they gain confidence and learn to trust the Lord – both necessary qualities for being effective leaders. As I was planning, I didn’t realize that I was creating a situation that would turn out to be a life changing experience for myself.

For a high adventure activity I had made arrangements to take the girls to a climbing wall and zip line. We started with the wall climbing. There were girls who were anxious to begin and it was interesting to see them as they began the climb and realized that it was going to be more difficult than they had thought. There were some who were hesitant to try, sure that they wouldn’t be able to do it. It was amazing to watch as they cheered one another on, shouted words of encouragement and celebrated their victories together.

Next we were introduced to the zip line. We were instructed to go in small groups into the climbing structure, in which there were stairs to take us to a platform that was 50 feet above the ground. Those of us on the ground again cheered and shouted encouragement to the girls preparing to jump. At one point we stood in reverence as one young woman (who was hardened by a difficult life and was often difficult to reach spiritually) announced to us that she needed a moment to pray. We were humbled as we watched girl after girl conquer her fear and take that leap of faith. I was on top of the world! The experience and the way the girls responded to it was better than I had even hoped for. I knew that they were in the midst of an experience that they would never forget.

My surprise came when, as I was surrounded by a group of girls, excitedly chatting with them about what they were experiencing, I realized that they were in the process of clasping a harness around my legs. I had decided that I would not zip line. After all, this experience was for the girls. I was there as a spectator, a cheerleader. Much to my chagrin, they weren’t easily dissuaded from their goal of getting me to zip line. I hesitantly agreed and within minutes found myself being herded under the rope and toward the tower where I would climb to my doom. As I walked to the tower, entered and started climbing the steps to the top, I felt as though I was having an out of body experience. My body was doing something that my mind was willing it to not do! “I can’t do this!” I repeated over and over in my head. 

When I reached the top of the stairs, there were a few girls waiting there for their turn (some of them had completely overcome their fear by this point and were on their second or third jump). I told them, “I don’t know why I’m up here. I can’t do this.” I loved them for their efforts to calm and encourage me, but I was not convinced.

 As my turn to jump came ever closer, the pounding in my heart became increasingly hard and my shouting conscience became increasingly loud in my head. Eventually, I found myself attached to a rope, standing on the edge of a 50 foot high platform. I truly could not imagine why I had ever consented to being there. I was seized with fear. It was as though I was submerged in a pool of water. Girls and leaders on the ground below me were shouting their encouragement. Girls on the tower behind me, awaiting their turns, were whispering their encouragement. The trained operator of the zip line was ever patient with me as for, what seemed like an eternity, I stood in fear as he assured me that it was completely safe and that I could do it. But what was going on around me was muted by my beating heart and my incessant internal questioning, “What am I doing here?!”

Eventually everyone became quiet. They could feel my desperation. Their cheers of encouragement turned into quiet, gentle pleadings. “Come on, Sister Matis, you can do this.” And then one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever experienced happened. I heard music.

My sweet fourth year girls had started singing, “Walk tall you’re a daughter, a child of God. Be strong, please remember who you are…”

 I was overcome with love for them. I couldn’t imagine how I had found myself in this situation, but I was there, and they were counting on me.

Their singing continued, “Try to understand, you’re part of His great plan…”

What would it say to them if I backed out at that point? What would happen if I simply stepped away and said, "I can't.  I'm too scared." But I did not want to let them down.

“He’s closer than you know. Reach up, He’ll take your hand.”

Just then the zip line operator said, “Just look up. It’s easier to jump if you look up.” He did not know the significance of what he was saying, at the exact same time that the young women were singing, “He’s closer than you know. Reach up, He’ll take your hand.”

Suddenly my love for those young women, their love for me and my love and trust in my Heavenly Father overpowered my fear and I jumped.

The impact of that experience will never leave me. Honestly, I don’t remember much after making the decision to jump. I think I may have blacked out! I remember a burning sensation on my hands where I apparently grabbed the rope I was hanging from and got rope burn. I remember reaching the bottom where steps were brought to me so that I could get to the ground, and hardly being able to stand because my legs were like Jello. I remember the property manager coming to help me and saying something along the lines of, “That was a beautiful thing. Those girls really love you.” I remember him also taking the rope from me and walking it back to the tower himself (normally the person who had jumped would do this) and telling me, “Why don’t you go sit down and get your legs back. I’ll take care of this.” I remember the feeling of elation that I had as I walked into the arms of those young women, knowing that they knew what it had cost me to take that jump, and knowing that I had not let them down.

I have not regretted for one moment since then that I made that jump. Not because it was fun or because zip lining in and of itself was a great experience, but because I learned a valuable lesson that day. I learned that “perfect love casteth out fear” (1 John 4:18). The love that the fourth year young women showed for me, the love that I felt for them, the love that I have for my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ, and the love that I know They have for me and for the young women I was serving, allowed me to cast aside my fear.

A key to living an outward focused life is to cast out fear with love - love for God and love for others.  When we allow fear to keep us from acting in the best interest of others, we choose selfishly and miss out on opportunities to bless them,  and ironically, we miss out on opportunities to be strengthened ourselves.